According to Plan

Cranking Chosen Darkness again. Fear is On Our Side is a fucking downer album. It is a magnificent downer album. Moments like this were reserved for Joy Division's Closer a short while ago, but I suppose that had its run. Still, though...if Ian Curtis hadn't been dead already when Closer was released...that album sounds like it was recorded from the other side of life and death.

Drinking this new Scotch Sterling bought me a few weeks ago. It's the first time I've touched it; my drinking has really gone downhill. I'm not sure why I even agreed to split this bottle with him; the Highland Park we bought last semester--or was it before that?--is still unfinished in my cabinet. At this rate, I'm just going to end up with an entire cabinet of single-malt Scotch whisky that I'll never drink my way through. But this is good stuff--it's so smoky, it tastes like it was set on fire. It tastes rather ancient. Not that I'm any sort of conoisseur; I can't even remember what this is called (wait, no, I got it, it's 10-year Laphroaig). But it's quite good.

Still haven't broken the two-drink limit, though; Esteban gifted me with a Magic Hat earlier this evening, and this glass here makes two. He and Annie H. were watching TV and drinking in our living room for hours. They're good kids; I enjoy their company, especially when I'm not doing physics homework, like I was attempting to tonight. (Missed an H&H party for it, even. Heard it was Afrobeat hardcore punk--damn it to hell.) They left for her place an hour ago. I won't make any guesses as to where they are now; I don't believe I need to. Julia had somehow gotten wind that there was a "party" going on in our apartment, and messaged me while I was doing my homework, asked me to tell her when Annie left; she called Esteban when I told her I though she might just be crashing on our couch. (Maybe I shouldn't've said that?) In any case, if I get tangled up in that bullshit, which will no doubt hit the fan soon, I'll never hear the end of it--I just don't have the time or energy to take sides.

Either way, though, I can't say I'm one of those people who get depressed when their friends are happy. Though it does lead to an increasing sense of isolation in a world where, more and more so, it seems that everyone else has a shot at happiness, everyone else has an opportunity to make mistakes. I just watch when they crash and burn, pick through the aftermath, learn without actually having experienced anything myself. Some days it gets bad, and then I just shut myself off from whatever people have to say to me, because I just can't stand to continue having other people's experiences, thoughts, and emotions mainlined through my mind, and I just have to empty it all, even if it means I'm left with very little. Learn, my ass. Learning is supposed to enrich one, not leave one drained and exhausted.

That's a big element of my life lately, exhaustion; I think it's because I haven't really been able to get decent sleep. When that happens, everything seems so much bleaker. Everything has slowly begun to lose its appeal; things that used to seem important no longer satisfy, or seem worthy of the effort and time it takes to do them. Things just seem so pointless when you wake up in the morning, go thorugh various things that deplete your energy, go home and fall asleep and do it again. It seems I'm being kept afloat by my obligations; the only things tethering me to reality are the things people demand of me. Turn in this on time, be here, do that, etc. As soon as you've met all their demands, they forget about you. That's not right. The fact remains that I only leave this apartment for three reasons: class, lab, and rehearsal. Other than that, I really can't find an excuse to get out and connect with the world. There's something wrong with that, I think. This can't go on.

I know that this just means I've lost the plot. All the same, I hope this doesn't mean I'll soon lose the motivation to attempt anything at all.