Sarah T. leaves for Cincinnati on Saturday. Tonight I met her at Rocket to Venus a few blocks from my house for one last hurrah. Funny thing to do--I barely even knew her back in February. Things change fast, when they want to, and I've always had a knack for last minute twists. Or so it seems.
Said a few important things which I had been wanting to express for a very long time. But not everything, and the most important thing of all went unsaid--of course, of course. I wasn't even sure it was worth saying. If only we had more time. I feel like we could've understood each other better--through formalist poetry and common older-sibling self-criticism, if nothing else--but at this point, I suppose I should be grateful for the conversations that we did have. I didn't even know her, this time last year. I blame collegiate social divides. I blame, I blame, I blame everything but myself. Who am I kidding. I only ever blame myself.
Just so happened the past few months have been one of the most disearnest phases of my increasingly disearnest life. Not dishonest, disearnest. Not that you who read about it here would know the difference. I could sit here and think about all the things I might've missed by not speaking or believing my mind, but it's much easier to crank In the Aeroplane Over the Sea and drift.
Maybe I'll wake up in the morning with a different point of view. We talked about how she had a certain knack for knowing which people were going to teach her something useful in life; maybe I met her so that I could learn from the experience. At least it would've been good for something.
To you who are reading this: why are you still here? I know half of you are probably here because you want to make sure I haven't gone crazy. The other half of you--well, I can't fathom what's so interesting about a 22-year-old recluse and his semi-extant social interactions. Maybe you should check back when I have something going.
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1 comment:
The simple fact that you use semi-extant to describe your interpersonal relationships may be one of the reasons I still drop by.
That and the fact that this post title (and that particular song line) is one of the most tangled in memories song lines there are out there for me.
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