Into the Woods

Long day yesterday, going to be a long day today too. Hitting the road at some point to make my way toward Pittsburgh before continuing to Chicago for Pitchfork Music Festival tomorrow. Maybe Mike N. is driving. Maybe I'm taking the bus. I don't know. I've become somewhat dependent on plans. Or, as I related to Maura, a "complacent homebody." Ironic when I don't even have a home, not really. Also, my laptop is going back to the shop. I need that Firewire port.

Sid's right. This is no way to live. Tried to create some tranquility in my life by rejecting the influence of others--at least to a large extent--but ended up desolate instead. Logical conclusions are not necessarily answers or solutions; rationality preserves no one and salvages nothing.

Dude said I needed to let go of my disappointment and stop weighing everything against past experiences, and heaven knows he's probably right. Maybe that was what the drugged-out lunatic in the woods meant when he told me, "you don't know how to let it go" that foggy evening back in December. Almost wish that I could just forget all my past letdowns, because disappointment wasn't even the worst thing that came of them. But forgetfulness has never been one of my strong suits--therefore I suppose there's nothing to do but rail against the ever-mounting evidence that I shouldn't ever expect anything good.

I don't know what it will take to shake up my way of life once again. Maybe this impending road trip will do it. Maybe it won't. And either way, it seems hardly up to my conscious decision. I can't do anything about anything. That's not a very easy conclusion to swallow, especially for one such as I. Or maybe I've backslid and sidetracked even more than I realize now.

Maybe I've just not been paying attention, but you'd think I'd've realized it when things started turning this way; these things don't just happen overnight.

I have to leave now; I wish I could. Drop the things that never happened and proceed with empty hands. Feet be light; you'll never make it through all the coming years dragging all the past years.