To Wonder Why in Baltimore

Had one of those days yesterday when I was just absolutely unmotivated to do anything at all, sleepwalked, dragged feet and didn't care. Think it's because the first thing I did that morning was to try and work on That Song, but it just wasn't happening, good sounds weren't happening, and after a while that can really ruin a boy's day. I'm not really good enough at this computer thing yet; the "make any sound I want on cue" standard hasn't been matched, and I should probably cut production and fuck with software some more before doing anything else. There's just no time to waste on anything. It's really quite unreasonable.

Last week of July but yesterday looked more early autumn than anything; I don't know if it's just me, or if the sun's been getting lower earlier, but I guess we are past the solstice after all. After a whole lot of nothing the first couple of months of summer, things are really starting to pick up: Pittsburgh this Saturday, birthday and possibly people crashing my place next weekend, one final weekend before I (possibly) take the GREs and go home. Might not even get to visit up north this summer, which would be a break in tradition from the past two summers. Going to have to apologize to Lindsay and Andrew, among other people, though. Didn't really expect things to go down this way, which I suppose was the entire issue.

Whartscape and the Battles/Deerhunter gig, plus Artscape, were all this past weekend. Friday night was Whartscape for me. Revisited the H&H for the first time in what feels like years, but was probably only 9 months or so. It was alright, stuffy, plenty of kids in weird clothes, Ecstatic Sunshine, Cex and all that. Felt too sane for this city of loons, and a little too appreciative of fresh air.

Saturday turned out to be particularly euphoric for me, for whatever reason (seeing three different girls I had crushes on at various points in time probably had something to do with it). I wandered down to Artscape with Diamond, Maura, John, and Vijay, but ended up bouncing back and forth between various groups of people; Ceci of all people came in from across the Bay with her new boyfriend, scruffy hippie-looking type she met at--whatever that outdoors school deal is--and DHP. She seemed to be happy with her person and her life; barely a trace of the awkward nerve that still permeated her behavior, as of the last time I saw her, which was admittedly nearly three years ago. Maybe--and this is the cynical part of me speaking, but only partly--being with boys really makes her feel better about herself, which is what I gathered from Maria telling me stories about their last year in high school together. Whatever makes her happy; I wouldn't wish her any less. Still, awkward nerve was one of the things I found most attractive about her four years ago, so it's somewhat regrettable. Or maybe that just means I was(am?) an idiot.

Also saw Sarahs K. and M. for the first time since the excellent desert party in April. We checked out the animated pieces in the short films tent. Stories about a man whose mouth was a black hole, who ended up eating himself in grief after accidentally devouring the love of his life. And so on. Probably enjoyed it more than either of them or their friend Sikma did. Most of the people I associate with have an appreciation for the macabre; I'm always surprised when people who don't seem to have any darkness in them come into my life. Finally I caught up with John, the Matthews, Maura, and Vijay, who were packing bourbon and a forty of Coors Light, went to see Beach House play at the end of a dead-end alley (climbed onto a ledge, and then a garbage bin for a better view), and Bradford and Lockett from Deerhunter also showed up, standing not 10ft away from us. Got drunk standing on the sidewalk of Howard St. in the daytime and wandered up north for crepes next door to Charles Theatre, made our way back up north for the Battles show--

--I wonder if this new laundry-list style of recording has anything to do with any phobia of assigning significance to any present-day event--

--where we listened to some acid-trippers talk about "time as a dimension" (though not what about it) in the line for the door, before meeting up with Anna and her summer roommate Emily inside, good Deerhunter set, made me like them more than I did before, even better Battles set. Left early because of Anna's contacts irritating. Maura tried to convince us on the walk back that our beloved Battles (much like !!! before them) was in fact a jam band, and that Diamond and I should start listening to jam bands. I politely withdrew from the conversation. When I got home to the far end of Charles Village there was already an IM from Diamond telling me, "Anna's friend was cute," something which I have made fun of him for the past three days. The world is funnier when you've got no heart. Of course, the price is having to maintain that facade to yourself.

Whatever though. Times run out and I'm still sitting in goddamn Cafe Q doing little of consequence, and not even having covered Sunday or Monday (or anything at all of importance, if such things exist outside of my repressed imagination). Going to piranha etch a silicon plate and go home for lunch.

That wasn't some kind of metaphor. Goddamn, that was real.