Last Horse on the Sand

Every time I go to a Dan Deacon show I get injured somehow. Last time in the church I busted my ankle. This time at LoFi some dude burned the back of my left arm with a cigarette. It was an accident, I'm sure; I didn't turn around to prevent him from feeling too bad about it, but I'm not above hoping that he did.

3AM. Dirty Three droning drunken violins and hallucinatory drumstrokes on cracked speakers. E and the gypsy on the couch outside. I don't know if this is the place to be writing about things that happen to the people around me...after all, they're looking in (you behind the fourth wall), but I don't suppose anyone who wouldn't end up knowing one way or another reads this anyway.

Funny how fall brought all of us hope--people we thought would be lonely forever, including ourselves, were suddenly no longer such--but now that it's winter, nearly everyone I know has been stricken in some form; no names, but we've been let down, burned, eroded. It was so recently that everyone seemed to have finally found happiness. But now...

But I never went anywhere, I never changed, everything swept past me and now it's all returning to this...some people can't seem to stop themselves going back to the places in life they worked so hard to escape, but I never left. I've always been here.

Or have I really? Some days I only feel half-here. I need to make up more words and use them in writing; they seem to confirm my existence. Some days I feel like I'm one foot out the door already, and the part of me that is still here is just trying to catch up with the part that's forged forth into the ether. I don't know what he's found, but it's probably inevitable that I'll find out soon. Some days I look forward to that, some days I don't.

I've stayed up too late again. That's usually not a good thing; no matter what I do, even if I'm at peak functional condition (which I haven't), there always seems to be a small aspect of me that's thoroughly convinced that if I go even one more day as lonely as I have been for quite a while now all of me will finally go insane, and that small aspect is never as vocal as when I'm supposed to be sleeping but not. I'll pick this up later.